Apathy

"Name" - The Goo Goo Dolls

*purple* - doesn't pertain to me
*blue* - does

"And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away

And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
But if you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name

I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are come back down
And I won't tell em your name "


I really feel stanza four:

"You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name "

Maybe it was the divorce, maybe it was death, maybe it was the fights, maybe it was tv. I can't neatly tack it down and just say this is why I am this way. I'm a product of the 90s - what more do you want? Though I can still remember when MTV actually played music and VH1 was cool. Born in '85, but I think the growing up too fast happened in '95 - the divorce. "And now theres nothing left to believe, and reruns all become our history" My dreams are reruns, but I also could agree with that in a way, because I'm so detached from everything that I find it impossible to believe in anything. It's plaguing my entire generation, we're the 'we know but don't care', the apathetic generation. What our parents protested we sit back and watch on YouTube. I feel like the fourth line of stanza four is a metaphor for life in a way, "A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio", right now I'm thinking about it being an expression of the seemingly failed urgency of the message of survival regarding global warming - its been heard many times before, but yet it repeats over and over and still its like no ones really listening.

"And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away"

The dreams part I can agree with, but at the same time I don't really know if I really had them in the first place. But now that I'm thinking about it, I think one of the things that stole my 'innocence' (if there ever was such a thing), the blissfulness, worry-free playground of childhood was the disappearance of Sara Anne Wood in 1993. I went to school with her. I still to this day have nightmares that I used to have as a child, just they update themselves to go with the times. I wake up in the middle of the night with the voice of Lewis Lent in my head, words from the trial and media coverage I think. The letters part is like my blur of a memory, things moved around, put into different boxes over and over, and some pieces just got lost somewhere.

"Scars are souvenirs you never lose"

I think this is my favorite quote from this song. It's pretty self-explanatory.

Also, the last two lines from stanza 3:
"And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are"

I love these lines 2, I'm not sure what to say about them.


Why the song lyrics you might ask?

It seems I find myself more than anything in music. It helps me connect to the fragmented ends of me that lie scattered here and there, it helps me make sense of life. Its the one thing that I always can find my place in, be it moments, thoughts, feelings, relationships. What are we but the worlds we create for ourselves, for others? Music is universal, it connects everyone in some way or another. It's my self-reflection, its where I fit in. Its where I find who I am. I don't care if its cheesy or lame, its what I can hold onto when the rest of the world is falling out beneath my feet - its my ledge.

Crashing Air

This year, I'm beginning my resolutions the first week of February, this way I figure I can adjust my schedule to be conducive to accomplishing them. I'm going to eat healthier and go to the gym more. My husband has agreed to quit smoking by March, so hopefully that will stick. This is a picture of the skies near my parents house earlier this evening. Its the Friday before school starts, and I haven't even began to pack to return on Sunday. I guess I just feel really relaxed about it, the only thing I'm concerned with is when I'll get my refund check, because that will determine when I can pay my bills off.

The sky was a very strange blue, and the wind was picking up. This is an image of the skies prior to the rain, but it doesn't capture the eerie color that the sky actually was about 50 ft away. Furthermore, due to the rain earlier today and last night the water was crashing over our mini waterfall in the creek across the road.

2007 Book List

Free Time Books

On The Road - Jack Kerouac
Gathering Moss - Robin Kimmerer
Poets Market 2007 -Nancy Breen


Selections from Class Readings:

Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies - Jared Diamond
The Colonizer's Model of the World - J.M. Blaut
Keeping a Nature Journal: Discover a Whole New Way of Seeing the World Around You - Clare Walker Leslie
John Shaws Nature Photography Field Guide - John Shaw
The Economy of Nature - Rickleffs
The Green Revolution: The American Environmental Movement 1962-1992 - Kirkpatrick Sale
Wilderness and the American Mind - Roderick Nash
The Economic Way of Thinking - Paul Heyne
Forcing the Spring: The Transformation of the American Environmental Movement - Robert Gottlieb
First Along the River: A Brief History of the US Environmental Movement - Benjamin Kline
That's What She Said - Rayna Green
Literature and the Environment: A Reader on Nature and Culture - Lorraine Anderson

In Progress:

The Dharma Bums - Jack Kerouac
Cunt: A Declaration of Independence - Inga Muscio
The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
Reading the Forested Landscape: A Natural History of New England - Tom Wessels *finished* January 8, 2008!


this is not a complete list, but its what I could remember....this was inspired by BerryBird's post

Holidays

Christmas Day this year was rather quiet compared to those previous. I awoke at 7:50 to begin cooking, making my traditional Chex mix that my mom and I have done since I started college. Although she didn't help me with it this time, she was busy finishing up unwrapped presents for my father and brother in the kitchen behind me. Later, I made blueberry coffee for my parents and James woke up. Then we exchanged gifts, my mother playing Santa with her red cap. As it has been since high school, my gifts I already knew about prior to their opening. I gave my parents their tee shirts from my college's store that they had asked for, and then we watched tv for little while. Afterwards, I helped my father peel potatoes, as I have been doing now for Thanksgiving and Xmas for the past 2 years. My father has arthritis and gout, and it is hard for him to hold onto anything so I really don't mind helping, this is probably the first tradition we've done together.

Though there was one thing that was different this year. We held an unannounced moment of silence together in the living room, for our cat who passed away last year on Christmas. Overall the day was somber, my mom tried to lighten the mood with a joke about her, who we had with us every year for 20 yrs, every year since I was 1.5 and I picked her out at the humane society. But it wasn't that effective, seeing that a year hasn't been long enough to get over the loss of a family member. I think that burying my pet last Xmas permanently altered my perception of Xmas.

Other than that, there wasn't a major fight this time. My brother's girlfriend is living with my parents now because she moved out of her house after family difficulties, and they were gone most of the day. We ate in the early afternoon, because my husband and I had to work @ 5. He was scheduled 5pm-5am and I was originally 5pm-8pm, but ended up working from 5pm-6:45am so that sucked. At least I was told I was getting overtime until 12am so that made it a little better. Even though I now have chemical burns along my right wrist because they never provide me with gloves but I don't want to complain to OSHA yet because I can't afford for myself and my husband to be fired. The MSDS for them state that I am supposed to seek medical attention immediately, but I just deal with it. My boss effectively told me in not so many words that it wasn't a big deal because I'm the only one that the burns show up on;I'm pale, plus I'm the only female, and the only one with sensitive skin.

I wish more so now than ever that it could for a few moments be the way that it was when I was little, minus the annual holiday argument that would always mean slamming doors and broken glass. At least there was some of the innocent excitement that is nowhere to be found nowadays. Occasionally I have memories from childhood pop up when I'm stressed and just wishing I was back in 5th grade and could spend my nights coloring and reading. Maybe its just the depression, but the holidays don't do much for me anymore. Especially since my grandmother died the Thanksgiving break previous 2005. Since then its only been me and my husband meeting with my parents, and then having a second holiday meal with my roommates. It used to be, maybe 4-5 years ago we'd all (my mom,my brother, myself and my husband) (minus my father) meet at my grandmothers house for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner.

It would be the only times all year, that I would see my aunt and uncle from State-That's-Home-To-Moose-and-Lighthouses-And Cold-Temperatures-in-Winter; my cousin from the Big City and various neighbors from the little country town that my grandmother lived in her whole life. I'd also get to see my Uncle who lived with my grandmother, and his girlfriend who could speak Finnish. Not to say that I am not appreciative of spending time with my parents, but I never hear a word from them now other than a card during the holiday season. Its really kinda sad, so I don't try to think about it.

For the first time, I didn't call my two best friends from high school on the holiday. I ran out of minutes on my phone and it didn't even click that I could have used my parents phone. Ugh. I havent had a best friend since high school, and the one that I used to connect the most with barely talk for weeks on end. But thats another thing I don't try to think about because it just makes me lonely. I haven't really connected with anyone at college like I did back in school when I was younger. There's a few people that I hang out with, but its not the same. My roommates back home hate the holidays, its hard just to get them to eat a dinner together at a table, this Thanksgiving was the first in 4yrs. Well, I still have New Year's to get through. I bought a blender for the occasion, maybe we'll have enough cash for alcohol, usually its the highlight, its like the only time all year really that I'll have more than a glass or two of wine. I hate how I'm always wishing to be someplace other than where I am but that any other place wouldn't be any better.

Last night I had a dream, well it seemed strange to me because I do not usually dream about/have one that contains the person it did. It has only happened once before, several weeks ago. Though there is one recurring aspect of it, which was the car. I don't drive so it seems odd that being driven in a car was a significant part of it. My adviser was driving me somewhere (no idea why - but to get to them I had to overcome some obstacle like last time, like I had to hand something into someone on time etc) and we were talking about a book they were reading. So I asked if they had got my email, and they said no and asked what it was about. I said I emailed you to let you know that I updated my blog. Then they laughed and shrugged it off, a why-would-i-care-i-have-more-important-things-to-do laugh. Which has to be my own projection, seeing my adviser is one of the kindest people I know. But I guess the driving/ on the road meant something - seeing their blog post for yesterday included a road and talked about traveling.

Eight Easy Steps – Alanis Morissette

How to stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment
How to defer to men as solvable predicaments
How to control someone to be a carbon copy of you
How to have that not work and have them run away from you
How to hate women when you're supposed to be a feminist
How to play all pious when you're really a hypocrite

How to keep people at arms length and never get too close
How to mistrust the ones you supposedly love the most
How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone
How to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone

[Chorus:]
I'll teach you all this in 8 easy steps
A course of a lifetime you'll never forget
I'll show you how to in 8 easy steps
I'll show you how leaderships looks when taught by the best

How to hate god when you're a prayer and a spiritualist
How to sabotage your fantasies by fears of success

[Chorus]

I've been doing research for years
I've been practicing my ass off
I've been training my whole life for this moment I swear to you
Culminating just to be this well-versed leader before you

[Chorus]

How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else
How to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself
How to numb a la holic to avoid going within
How to stay stuck in blue by blaming them for everything

[Chorus]

thanksgiving break

I hate how it works out that even though I'm home for over a week, I still feel like I'm at college because my husband has to work all week during the days. If that is the case, I guess I'd rather be at college than home, even though I just left yesterday, because then it would be ok to feel alone because I was away from home. Its worse when your home and still feel away....I was at my parents house today and yesterday, but today we fought. I even slapped my brother because he slammed my parents phone on the floor because he was angry and busted it - its the like 4 or 5 we've had to buy because of this. Then I had to throw him against the wall because he grabbed my mom and was shaking her. Isn't it wonderful? I hate being away but I hate being home. Back to my paper.