Holidays

Christmas Day this year was rather quiet compared to those previous. I awoke at 7:50 to begin cooking, making my traditional Chex mix that my mom and I have done since I started college. Although she didn't help me with it this time, she was busy finishing up unwrapped presents for my father and brother in the kitchen behind me. Later, I made blueberry coffee for my parents and James woke up. Then we exchanged gifts, my mother playing Santa with her red cap. As it has been since high school, my gifts I already knew about prior to their opening. I gave my parents their tee shirts from my college's store that they had asked for, and then we watched tv for little while. Afterwards, I helped my father peel potatoes, as I have been doing now for Thanksgiving and Xmas for the past 2 years. My father has arthritis and gout, and it is hard for him to hold onto anything so I really don't mind helping, this is probably the first tradition we've done together.

Though there was one thing that was different this year. We held an unannounced moment of silence together in the living room, for our cat who passed away last year on Christmas. Overall the day was somber, my mom tried to lighten the mood with a joke about her, who we had with us every year for 20 yrs, every year since I was 1.5 and I picked her out at the humane society. But it wasn't that effective, seeing that a year hasn't been long enough to get over the loss of a family member. I think that burying my pet last Xmas permanently altered my perception of Xmas.

Other than that, there wasn't a major fight this time. My brother's girlfriend is living with my parents now because she moved out of her house after family difficulties, and they were gone most of the day. We ate in the early afternoon, because my husband and I had to work @ 5. He was scheduled 5pm-5am and I was originally 5pm-8pm, but ended up working from 5pm-6:45am so that sucked. At least I was told I was getting overtime until 12am so that made it a little better. Even though I now have chemical burns along my right wrist because they never provide me with gloves but I don't want to complain to OSHA yet because I can't afford for myself and my husband to be fired. The MSDS for them state that I am supposed to seek medical attention immediately, but I just deal with it. My boss effectively told me in not so many words that it wasn't a big deal because I'm the only one that the burns show up on;I'm pale, plus I'm the only female, and the only one with sensitive skin.

I wish more so now than ever that it could for a few moments be the way that it was when I was little, minus the annual holiday argument that would always mean slamming doors and broken glass. At least there was some of the innocent excitement that is nowhere to be found nowadays. Occasionally I have memories from childhood pop up when I'm stressed and just wishing I was back in 5th grade and could spend my nights coloring and reading. Maybe its just the depression, but the holidays don't do much for me anymore. Especially since my grandmother died the Thanksgiving break previous 2005. Since then its only been me and my husband meeting with my parents, and then having a second holiday meal with my roommates. It used to be, maybe 4-5 years ago we'd all (my mom,my brother, myself and my husband) (minus my father) meet at my grandmothers house for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner.

It would be the only times all year, that I would see my aunt and uncle from State-That's-Home-To-Moose-and-Lighthouses-And Cold-Temperatures-in-Winter; my cousin from the Big City and various neighbors from the little country town that my grandmother lived in her whole life. I'd also get to see my Uncle who lived with my grandmother, and his girlfriend who could speak Finnish. Not to say that I am not appreciative of spending time with my parents, but I never hear a word from them now other than a card during the holiday season. Its really kinda sad, so I don't try to think about it.

For the first time, I didn't call my two best friends from high school on the holiday. I ran out of minutes on my phone and it didn't even click that I could have used my parents phone. Ugh. I havent had a best friend since high school, and the one that I used to connect the most with barely talk for weeks on end. But thats another thing I don't try to think about because it just makes me lonely. I haven't really connected with anyone at college like I did back in school when I was younger. There's a few people that I hang out with, but its not the same. My roommates back home hate the holidays, its hard just to get them to eat a dinner together at a table, this Thanksgiving was the first in 4yrs. Well, I still have New Year's to get through. I bought a blender for the occasion, maybe we'll have enough cash for alcohol, usually its the highlight, its like the only time all year really that I'll have more than a glass or two of wine. I hate how I'm always wishing to be someplace other than where I am but that any other place wouldn't be any better.