Thursday, November 22, 2007

Last night I had a dream, well it seemed strange to me because I do not usually dream about/have one that contains the person it did. It has only happened once before, several weeks ago. Though there is one recurring aspect of it, which was the car. I don't drive so it seems odd that being driven in a car was a significant part of it. My adviser was driving me somewhere (no idea why - but to get to them I had to overcome some obstacle like last time, like I had to hand something into someone on time etc) and we were talking about a book they were reading. So I asked if they had got my email, and they said no and asked what it was about. I said I emailed you to let you know that I updated my blog. Then they laughed and shrugged it off, a why-would-i-care-i-have-more-important-things-to-do laugh. Which has to be my own projection, seeing my adviser is one of the kindest people I know. But I guess the driving/ on the road meant something - seeing their blog post for yesterday included a road and talked about traveling.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Eight Easy Steps – Alanis Morissette

How to stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment
How to defer to men as solvable predicaments
How to control someone to be a carbon copy of you
How to have that not work and have them run away from you
How to hate women when you're supposed to be a feminist
How to play all pious when you're really a hypocrite

How to keep people at arms length and never get too close
How to mistrust the ones you supposedly love the most

How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone
How to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone

I'll teach you all this in 8 easy steps
A course of a lifetime you'll never forget

I'll show you how to in 8 easy steps
I'll show you how leaderships looks when taught by the best

How to hate god when you're a prayer and a spiritualist
How to sabotage your fantasies by fears of success


I've been doing research for years
I've been practicing my ass off
I've been training my whole life for this moment I swear to you
Culminating just to be this well-versed leader before you


How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else
How to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself

How to numb a la holic to avoid going within
How to stay stuck in blue by blaming them for everything


Sunday, November 18, 2007

thanksgiving break

I hate how it works out that even though I'm home for over a week, I still feel like I'm at college because my husband has to work all week during the days. If that is the case, I guess I'd rather be at college than home, even though I just left yesterday, because then it would be ok to feel alone because I was away from home. Its worse when your home and still feel away....I was at my parents house today and yesterday, but today we fought. I even slapped my brother because he slammed my parents phone on the floor because he was angry and busted it - its the like 4 or 5 we've had to buy because of this. Then I had to throw him against the wall because he grabbed my mom and was shaking her. Isn't it wonderful? I hate being away but I hate being home. Back to my paper.

Hunting Season's Begin

Today, for the first time I experienced what it is like to see, smell, and feel a dead deer. It was an 8 pt buck one of my friends from high school shot earlier today, and brought over to show my brother. Its antlers were small, and the fur a coarse but soft texture. Looking in its eyes, drained of life as they were, silenced me. I touched its fur, examined its ears, and the slight variations in the shades of brown and white intermingled together to form a pattern. He said it wasn't an easy kill, he shot it and then had to do it again, or stab it, but the thick redness beneath its cold body hadn't pooled at all. I proceeded to head back inside, after realizing his life was on my hands, and even though I hadn't been the one to shoot it, I felt that it wasnt up to me to experience his very existence like some unemotional scientist without its permission. I don't care if that seems like it doesn't make any sense. I went into the kitchen and ran the hot water over my soiled hands, rinsing off from me the essence of the buck that two minutes prior had laid limp beneath my palms. Oh, I was not in the least bit ready to face Death today.

My grandfather starts chemo tommorow, I fear today won't be the last time we'll (death) meet again before too long. Fucking cancer. This isn't fair.

Listening to "Let It Be" - The Beatles, instrumental version.